abyss_valkyrie

Hello...to anybody still seeing my posts,haha. 
I don't know. Life's been a strange roller coaster of emotions and mental stress for months now.
I'm just so tired, not physically, but mentally...Absolutely. Yes.

So, after my summer vacations, there were some reforms in my new school and I wasn't going to be teaching any longer. I got a chance to stay as a secretary to my Academic Director, which was cool, because I wanted to try something new. Along with academic related duties I was also coordinating for International exams, now that's a great skill set which I wouldn't have had an opportunity to learn otherwise. 

I was pretty excited all in all. But once I started working, there was...just no time. There was literally work coming in at night, midnight, morning,afternoon and so on. Which is...not fine but tolerable if the end goal is satisfying I suppose. The problem was, I didn't have a goal. I felt so lost. My AD has an old-school style of 'motivating' people wherein he literally will act fed up or make you feel stupid for not knowing things. I was trying so hard to learn everything and juggle so many things at once, blame that on my inability to accept the fact that I can be bad at something; perfectionism?! But it made me realise that maybe I don't have a whole lot of life skills even though I excel at learning and doing things with the right direction. What did upset me was being compared to others, I guess. There was always the comments like 'oh you're so slow, so lazy, if so and so was here they would have been able to do things excellently'. Lazy? And me? I'm the furthest thing from lazy.

I am sensitive...I think. It's hard to survive in Asian communities when you're emotional. But God help me, I can't not be emotional.
Once I started refusing to overwork myself, other work-related drama started to ensue and I guess, my attitude of not wanting to stay for long periods without extra pay, or work 24/7 was not really working for my AD. 

I'd asked him earlier on that I would prefer going back to teaching but I would help him with the work I was doing because  honestly, I wanted the respect and the feeling of being a teacher again. Things happened, my friends (I'm gonna refer to them as P and D for now) at my workplace have been so good to me, they've been the greatest source of strength during my hard times. Honestly, if not for them, I wouldn't have lasted a month. But P and D have their own set of problems going on, things that shouldn't be happening to them either.

I'd checked in with the AD after the school tried to adjust me as a teacher and I was kind of pushed to teach in another school which was an experience I don't want to go through again. It wasn't the worst but oh dear God, I can see why teachers all over the world are tired of entitled students and parents. I was ready to quit officially too and visited the school, but I was told not to be rash in decision making and I decided to delay it.

And then what happens?! I get notified that I won't be working any longer, and not even in a systematic way. Like they couldn't have just informed me of this when I asked what was to be done about my position? If they were going to let me go, why keep the uncertainty going? I'm not the only one facing this though. There's plenty of good in this school but the way the teachers are treated when they want to release them, from what I've seen, it's heart-breaking. And I seriously don't know how things will go for me. 

I can only hope for things to end in a good way without any blackmailing of sorts and tears, considering that I have been well-behaved with my AD and everybody in general.

I've been trying to set a goal for myself, for pursuing my masters because I'm at a point where I simply have no choice. What are we without goals? It's scary, frustrating and so damn depressing to be adrift without a goal. 

Do I have any eldest daughters on this platform reading this? How are you guys? Because I'm...tired. Aaaaaah!

There's so much more to write, but I don't know how to word it, really. I almost wish I could just turn back time a few years and maybe be a little disobedient, uncomfortable then so I wouldn't be facing what I'm facing now.

But equally, I'm also so grateful to have met the people I met at work this year; I found the closest friends I have made as an adult. They're all so close to my heart. So maybe, I needed to be this version of myself, be here at this time to have met them. 

I've been thinking of how I want to come back here, start doing things I used to enjoy little by little. Maybe now I can.